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Naughty Neds and Tales of Whoa!

An introduction to the author of Naughty Neds - Karry Gardner and her trusted steed 'Madame Ginger Bits'
A welcome from The Editor
Karry Gardner was spotted as a regular visitor and contributor to the Message Board section here on World of Horses. We wrote to Karry to thank her for the regular contributions offering advice to our readers and discovered that Karry was in fact, a rather talented writer.

Following a number of extremely humorous email exchanges, Karry kindly agreed to spare some of her time writing an advice column for World of Horses.

Karry had been riding since the age of 3, but was involved in a particularly nasty accident which put her off riding for many years until she was re-united with Alec Lyall of Snainton Riding Centre, Scarbrough. 

Karry said: "I might not have ridden again, ever, had Alec (hereafter referred to as The Boss) not imparted this wisdom to me. All those who were not afraid were either fools or liars because horses are bigger, stronger, more cunning and stubborn than any person - If they decided to 'have you', they most certainly would!"

According to The Boss it is only a measure of the generosity of the horse that they allow us to do anything at all with them, because they certainly don't have to - They could just run away - the least we can do for them is feed them, care for them and learn to communicate with them in a language they understand.

When we approached Karry, inviting her to undertake the column she said: "As I studied the emails that appeared on the site, some of the main themes seem to be  "My Horse Won't ........ Do My homework etc"  " I can't my horse to.............make his bed on a morning " "Why is my Stallion full of testosterone and why therefore does he bite other horses ?" and other such gems". 

"One of the problems that I encounter with my own kids is that with various other forms of more interesting media available to them, they now appear unable to read "BOOKS" and "MAGAZINES" and so maybe the idea of educating them on the net is a good one".

In many of Karry's columns you will discover that she will refer to experiences with her own horse, who you will come to know as Madame Ginger Bits or MGB for short. So here is Karry's very humourous introduction for her lovely chestnut mare Hayley.

We hope that you will really enjoy Karry's columns and we wish her a warm welcome to World of Horses!
So who is Madame Ginger Bits?!

"Madame Ginger Bits" (or MGB for short, that's not her name, its just an observation), her name is Hayley or Hayleykins or Gorgeous Ginger Thing or even "Small Ginge". That's because there are two horses that are also chestnut on the yard although both of them can reach the top shelf in the tack room without having to stand on a stool (or each other!)

Having just got a new stable companion, MGB is presently having a bit of a sulk ! Not that she really liked the previous occupant of the box opposite but she had just taught him to pull the most extraordinary faces by getting him to copy her furious scowls that she is famous for.

Apollo, a son of Welton Apollo, product of a welsh girly horse, was only seven and being a boy, very impressed with the range of facial contortions, that this grown up orange girly horse could show him. In fact, he was so impressed that he bit her top lip just to show her how grateful he was for the lessons in scowling and grumpiness.

He thought she was, well, lovely and funny and flirty; she thought he was a total nerd who was easily influenced and who got several smacks for grimacing at passers by whilst she sniggered into her mollichop !

Anyhow, MGB has now got a cow for a companion. Well, she told me it was a cow but in fact it is Bella, a piebald pony who can only just reach over the half door and so MGB's lips are presently safe from being ravaged again. The "cow" is even older than her (if that is possible) and you can imagine the conversation late at night…………………………

Bella : "Well, did you get your cocoa, did you? They were late with my haynet again, I ask you, get to my age and they forget you, think you can live on water. Did they groom you properly.?
Look at my tail, I ask you, at my age you think that they would send round a mobile hairdresser to give me a bit of a facial and trim my woolly bits. Me, an old lady. Oh ! Have you seen your mane - it's gone a bit grey dear. Why don't you have it streaked - it'll take years off you!"

MGB: (Scowling into Bella's box) "Why don't you shut up you boring old moo! I'm only seven and a half (a lie!) and when Anky van Grusnven takes me away from all this to live with that gorgeous Bonfire bloke, I'll have my own hairdresser and manicurist and even my own night-time tea lady.
AND I won't have to listen to vertically challenged aged old naglets disturbing my beauty sleep. Be quiet and go to sleep so that I can plot what I'm going to do in "the Private Lesson" tomorrow".

MGB: (thinking aloud) "Maybe I won't go down on the bit - that always annoys her, or maybe when she puts my boots on, I'll keep lifting each leg in turn as she tries to put them on - that's always good for a laugh !

Oh, and striking off on the wrong lead on the right side, she almost falls off when I do that ! Nah ! I know, I'll pretend that my neck is really tired and when we do that slow collected trotting bit, I'll wave it around in the air so that she goes all wussy and starts saying "Oh Hayley, you naughty horse, go forward properly and stop being silly " and of course I won't!

I'll just stop and scratch my left knee and then she'll have to start again with the easy walking bit to make me go down and round. Then the boss will yell at her and threaten her with the lunge whip. It works only until she gets really mad and then she gives me this great kick with both spurs at once (they're HUGE those Stubben dressage jobs, to compensate for her short legs I suppose).

Then maybe I'll let her have fifteen minutes or so of obedience, nice trotting and collected cantering in daft circles and so on until she starts to go all jelly wobbly and weak with effort and sheer pleasure. Then she will give me a packet of Spearmint Polo's and calls me a good girl.

Ah yes, I can twist Mummy around my left hind windgall. I wonder if she'll get me a mobile phone so I can ring up Bonfire and find out if he's got any special little jokes he likes to play on Anky 'cause I'll need a few tips for when we go on tour together. I wonder if Bonfire can pull this face?"

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